Cup of Coffee: May 13, 2021

Good morning! And welcome to Free Thursday! If you’re just visiting, you’ve missed a hell of a good week so far. Tell ‘em Wash:

Today we’ll talk about an outbreak, a setback, and something so on-brand for Major League Baseball in the year 2021 that you’ll just nod and say, “well, yeah, that was inevitable.”

We’ll also talk about the Astros doing a very good thing, Ohio doing a very weird thing, John Mulaney doing a new thing, horse acupuncture, potential 1970s prime time drama incest, and just what to make of the damn Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

If you don’t wanna work — if you just wanna bang on the drum all day — start with today’s newsletter. It’s a great way to avoid work for a few minutes. What you do after that is your own business.

And That Happened

Here are the scores. Here are the highlights:

Astros 9, Angels 1: José Altuve, Yuli Gurriel, Kyle Tucker, Yordan Álvarez, and Chas McCormick all homered for Houston. You hit five, you’re likely gonna win. Shohei Ohtani batted leadoff, making him the first player to do so the day after a pitching start since Ray Caldwell for the Yankees in July 1916. Ohtani went 0-for-4 with two strikeouts and Caldwell is DEAD, so maybe doing that is a bad idea, guys.

Marlins 3, Diamondbacks 2: Cody Poteet won his big league debut after allowing two runs over five. Everything is supposed to be very quiet after a massacre, and it always is, except for the birds.

Athletics 4, Red Sox 1: A’s starter James Kaprielian made his first big league start, allowed one over five and picked up his first win. This is the best performance from a Kaprielian since that season two “Star Trek: Next Generation” episode where Data visits the Kaprielian home world, Kaprielia, and attempts to get ancient rivals to negotiate a truce with the help of a hopeful young Kaprielian girl. Boston has lost three in a row.

Blue Jays 4, Atlanta 1: Hyun-Jin Ryu allowed one over seven and Teoscar Hernández hit not one but two dingers, driving in three of the Jays’ four runs. Hernández has hit four homers and driven in 15 runs in 12 games since returning from the COVID-19 injured list on April 30. Maybe more players should get COVID.

Brewers 4, Cardinals 1: The Brewers’ half of the eighth inning shoulda been over. Ryan Helsey struck out Daniel Vogelbach to end it and everyone was about to go back to the dugout before the ninth but, whoops, wild pitch, our large adult son Vogelbach made it first, the inning continued, and then Travis Shaw hit a tiebreaking double and Avisaíl García added a two-run homer in the eighth to put it out of reach. If we were inventing baseball again I doubt we’d have the “if the catcher doesn’t snag strike three, the batter can run to first” rule, but we’re not inventing baseball again, thank God. Imagine what the horrible hedge fund goons who run it now would do to it if they had a complete do-over. 

Phillies 5, Nationals 2: Washington took a 2-1 lead into the ninth, thanks in part to this Benny Hill-ass play from Odúbel Herrera and Bryce Harper, which had the Washington fans howling:

But never fear, Brad Hand is here, or, er, was there, on the mound for the Nats in the ninth when Odúbel Herrera hit a solo homer to tie it up. Hand came back out for the top of the tenth and gave up a leadoff single, which moved the automatic runner to third. He was yanked in favor of Kyle Finnegan who probably wished he could begin again after giving up the go-ahead single to Rhys Hoskins and then two more RBI singles, one to Nick Maton and another to Andrew Knapp.

Yankees 1, Rays 0: Gerrit Damn Cole: eight innings of shutout ball and 12 strikeouts, all while walkin’ on a razor-thin line due to New York not getting a run until a seventh inning sac fly. He wasn’t walkin’ any batters, though. Indeed, he has struck out 56 batters since issuing his last walk. My word.

Mets 7, Orioles 1: Matt Harvey came back to Citi Field to face the Mets for the first time since he left them. The fans were welcoming — he got multiple ovations — but the Mets batters were not. They hit Harvey up for seven runs on eight hits and he didn’t even make it out of the fifth inning. Meanwhile his counterpart Taijuan Walker allowed one over seven. Kevin Pillar hit a two-run triple, Dominic Smith had three hits and two RBI, and José Peraza drove in two as well. The Mets have won seven in a row. The Orioles have lost five of six.

Reds 5, Pirates 1: It was tied one-one after regulation, but then Jesse Winker singled in a run and Eugenio Suárez knocked in three with a bases-loaded double in the 10th inning. Cincinnati's bullpen threw five and a third hitless innings to close it out. The Reds have won five straight extra-inning games and are 6-2 in extras this season.

Cleveland 2, Cubs 1: Another game tied at one heading into extras. This time it only took one run to end it. That run came via the automatic runner being bunted over and Amed Rosario singling him in with two outs in the bottom of the tenth. Rosario also drove in Cleveland's first run with a sixth-inning double. Things are hot in Cleveland, with the home towners having won eight of nine and 12 of 15.

Padres 5, Rockies 3; Rockies 3, Padres 2: San Diego was shorthanded due to that COVID outbreak we discussed yesterday morning but Victor Caratini’s grand slam in the sixth covered for everyone. The Rockies had a chance to tie or maybe even win the first game when they loaded the bases up in the bottom of the seventh — remember, seven-inning game — but Austin Nola ended it when he caught an Elías Díaz blooper to shallow right with a nifty snag:

Nola has played a lot of infield in his time, but he spends more time at catcher these days. He was pressed into service at second base due to the COVID outbreak and he acquitted himself quite nicely, I’d say.

The Rockies came back in the nightcap when Josh Fuentes hit a two-run homer and then, when it went to extras, smacked a two-out, walk-off single to give Colorado the split.

Tigers 4, Royals 2: Miguel Cabrera went 2-for-4 and drove in two runs. In the process he surpassed Omar Vizquel for the most major league hits by a Venezuelan-born player, with 2,878. Casey Mize allowed two runs over six innings. The Royals have now lost ten straight.

White Sox 13, Twins 8: Andrew Vaughn hit his first career home run, Yasmani Grandal homered for the second straight day after I went on Chicago radio and said “leave him alone, the homers will come” — you’re welcome — José Abreu drove in three, and Billy Hamilton had four hits and scored three times. The White Sox have won five in a row and six of seven.

Dodgers 7, Mariners 1: Julio Urías allowed only one over seven Matt Beaty drove in three, and L.A. got their first back-to-back victories in 25 days.

“Poo-tee-weet?”

The Daily Briefing

Seven vaccinated Yankees tested positive for COVID

The New York Yankees announced yesterday that they have seven COVID-19 positives among their coaching and support staff. What’s more, they held Gleyber Torres out of last night’s game in Tampa Bay while they await test results on him out of the famous “abundance of caution.”

Six of the seven people who have tested positive are asymptomatic. All seven people who tested positive have been vaccinated for COVID-19. While this may seem shocking, there are a couple of things worth understanding here.

First off, the Yankees were using the Johnson & Johnson vaccine, which has an efficacy of around 60-70% in clinical trials. In light of that, yes, a number of people will be infected despite getting the vaccine. Maybe seven seems high, but the size of a team traveling party is not some large, representative sample. Seven positives among people who have a 60-70% chance of protection, exposed to an infected person in close quarters, is not super surprising.

It’s also worth noting that the frequency of testing is showing us something that is often invisible here. Specifically: there are likely a lot of COVID infections among people you know who have gotten the Johnson & Johnson vaccine but they aren’t aware of it because, unlike a baseball team, they’re not being given three COVID tests a week.

The key thing here is that even if many in the Yankees traveling party have been infected, being infected despite having the vaccine leads to a far lower likelihood of getting symptomatically sick, an even lower likelihood of getting sick enough to require hospitalization, and it virtually eliminates the chances of one dying from COVID compared to someone who is infected but has not had the vaccine.

So, yes, this is a weird outcome, but it’s also a way better outcome than anything we would’ve seen last season. And the fact that the Yankees have had so many vaccinations has likely helped them here and helped them greatly.

Mike Soroka suffers setback; season at risk

Mike Soroka was Atlanta’s Opening Day starter in 2020, but while coming off the mound to cover first base in a game last August he suffered a torn achilles tendon, ending his season. His recovery has been a long one, but now it’s about to get longer, as the team announced yesterday that he has suffered a setback in recovery and now needs to undergo exploratory surgery next week to see what, exactly, is the matter.

Soroka had not begun throwing a throwing program yet, but he was expected to return to the rotation at some point this season. With new surgery on tap, those plans are now in serious doubt.

The Most On-Brand Thing Ever

What’s more “2021-MLB” than a team threatening a city in an effort to get hundreds of millions in support for their real estate/stadium parlay? How about some sports book laying betting odds on it. I got this in an email yesterday from some offshore bookmaker who, for some reason, has sent me such things for years and years:

I think the only thing that could make this better would be if MLB’s casino partners started taking action on it but, in a needless twist, Rob Manfred imposed some dumb rule that cut the gambling window artificially short.

Universal DH Now

A lot of people share videos of the Bartolo Colon homer or some random Madison Bumgarner or Zack Greinke hit and say “if the NL had the DH we wouldn't have this!"

When they do that, though, they tend to pretend that there aren't 500 times more pitcher at bats like the one Taijuan Walker pinched off against the Orioles yesterday:

Why anyone thinks that’s worth saving is beyond me.

The Astros are doing a good thing

I know that the Astros have not been the most popular team over the past year or two, but they’re actually doing something good: they are providing furnished apartments to minor-league players across all levels this season. According to The Athletic, they are believed to be the only club doing this.

Given that, historically, minor leaguers have either had to scrape together money to find crappy apartments, live three or four to a place with air mattresses on the floor, or rely on host families and the like for accommodations, this is a very welcome development. It should be the industry standard.

Other Stuff

Ohio’s “Vax-a-Million”

People are filling up trash bags with gasoline, a politician just lost her job for NOT trafficking in conspiracy theories, the middle east is on fire, and here in Ohio, the governor is running a goddamn Willy Wonka-style contest to encourage vaccines.

No, I am not making that up. It’s Oompa-Loompa time all up in the Buckeye State:

And yes, it’s actually called “Vax-a-Million.” Which is not to be confused with WaxAmillion, the esteemed artist behind the classic “No Panties on the Dance Floor.”

Anyway.

Governor Mike DeWine is going full Crazy Eddie with this, and though I’m not a fan of his, I do respect the game show host energy here:

I’m actually fine with what I’m gonna call Vaccine Plinko because, given how debased, idiotic, conspiracy theory-addicted, and science-denying our society has become — given how simply explaining to people that they can take an almost completely harmless medicine and be protected from being killed by a thing that has killed millions in the last year has not worked —bribery is probably all our public officials have left. I have little doubt that a populace which aggressively misunderstood what a “99% survival rate” meant for COVID will likewise misunderstand what a roughly one in a million chance to win a random drawing means and thus hightail it to the nearest Walgreen’s, assuming that it was about to rain money.

And hell, it could be worse. I mean, it would not surprise me if, tomorrow, Florida announces that it’s gonna give a million bucks to people who AREN'T vaccinated because, you know, FREEDOM. Spending $5 million and change to do something that many more millions has not managed to get people to do so far does not seem like a bad idea to me once I get past the weirdness of it.

Still, the game show approach to public health is sorta blowing my mind. I feel like I’ve had some of that MDMA and psilocybin I was talking about on Tuesday. If 2021 Craig materialized in front of 2019 Craig and told him that the governor is doing a vaccine sweepstakes because he has found that he has no choice but to bribe the citizenry with millions of dollars to take the free, life-saving drug, 2019 Craig would’ve lost his damn mind. As it is, 2021 Craig gets why this is all happening but still sorta feels like he’s lost his damn mind.

Just a heads up: if I win the million bucks there will probably be a few extra newsletters so that I can properly process this all. Bear with me. Then I’m gonna demand that Governor DeWine give me the money via an oversized sweepstakes check and allow me time at a microphone, at which point I will recite the entire Dusty Rhodes "Hard Times" speech.

Nothing else makes sense these days. Why should I?

John Mulaney’s new phase

The comedian John Mulaney has been in the news this week in light of his (a) getting divorced; and (b) resuming performing, all after a year in which he relapsed into cocaine and alcohol abuse which sent him to one unsuccessful rehab stint and then on to another that has, thus far, been successful.

There’s an article in Vulture about Mulaney this week, focusing on his first series of standup shows since he got out of rehab. The review of the show, which sounds like a very raw, very un-Mulaney-like work-in-progress, is fascinating, both in terms of what it says about where Mulaney is right now and about the nature of comedians in general and how they often use their acts as a means of working out some very personal issues. Which, given Mulaney’s extremely successful and extremely funny performing persona — practiced artifice and finding humor in the mundane — is certainly new territory.

I like John Mulaney’s comedy a great deal. I’ve watched all of his filmed specials several times and, unlike the work of so many other comics, they hold up to multiple viewings. Part of what’s so good about him is the amount of precision and control apparent in his performances, which make the revelations about how his life has spun out of control in the past year so very difficult to process and reconcile.

It’s unreasonable, though, to expect any performer to be any particular thing just because you like that thing. It’s particularly unreasonable to expect it from performers who put their lives out there as material in the way comedians do. Because lives change, those things I and many of you may like about Mulaney’s work may very well be a thing of the past.

But that’s OK. A big part of any addict’s recovery is finding out who they are without drugs or alcohol, and that person may be a very different one than who they were with drugs and alcohol. The last thing anyone should expect from an addict is for them to cater to our expectations of them. Rather, we’ll have to learn to adjust to the new Mulaney. And I’m OK with that.

“The party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command”

There is no shame. There is no bottom.

Why Allison and I Aren’t Rich

From a Gchat conversation yesterday morning:

And that’s before you figure in the fact that her horse gets acupuncture treatment. No I am not making that up.

When Anna gets into Stanford and we tell her, “sorry, you gotta go to Bowling Green,” this sort of thing will be why. Just parents of the century, we are. Oh well, I suppose she could always win the free tuition part of Vaccine Plinko and solve our problems.

Just as an FYI, though, that weird, expensive keto cereal I buy is responsible for me losing five pounds since I started eating it. At least I’m choosing to credit the cereal because I haven’t changed anything else in my diet and haven’t exercised much lately due to being incapacitated by book stress. Anna can still make something of her life going to a cheap school, but a middle aged person losing weight easily is a truly rare achievement and we should not apologize for it when we pull it off.

So THAT’S How it is In Their Family

Steve Goldman and I were talking about 1970s TV shows yesterday and he asked me if I had ever seen the Aaron Spelling-produced, Robert Urich vehicle, “Vega$.” I am familiar with it, but no, I have never watched it. Then Steve hipped me to the opening scene of the pilot episode. You’ll want to watch the whole, one-minute, 41-second clip:

My first guess was that the same guy who directed the infamous Folger’s commercial directed this too, but then I looked it up and Michael Mann — yeah, the same Michael Mann who directed “Heat” and “Last of the Mohicans” and stuff — directed this, so that theory is blown.

This is why I watch “Columbo” and “The Rockford Files,” folks. They may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but no one ever tried to pretend that Bob Conrad’s character in “An Exercise in Fatality” or Jim Rockford was related to Gretchen Corbett. Which, eww.

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inducts some folks

My thoughts on the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame are like my thoughts on the Baseball Hall of Fame, only multiplied by about a thousand.

A Hall of Fame, however constructed, is wholly unnecessary to the appreciation of music and music history. Hell, it’s not just unnecessary, it’s antithetical. It obscures more than it illuminates, all in service of attempting to make something as subjective as art into something as objective as home runs hit or championships won. Give me Cooperstown over that monstrosity any day.

Still, it chugs on and, yesterday, announced its latest inductees: Tina Turner, Foo Fighters, Jay-Z, The Go-Go's, Carole King, and Todd Rundgren. Your mileage may vary with any of those people — this stuff is subjective, obviously — but to suggest that any of those estimable artists need validation from some Boomer-created entity like the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is patently ridiculous. Which is also why fans of anyone who was “snubbed” here shouldn’t feel bad either, because again, why on Earth does it matter?

Hell, at this point there has to be more cred surrounding people who don’t get in because they pissed off Jann Wenner or someone like that than the people who do get in, right?

I mean, isn’t the very essence of rock and roll — and most other post-rock musical genres of substance — defiance in the face of authority and the rejection of institutions? Isn’t acceptance by an establishment exactly the sort of thing artists of youth-oriented music for the past 70 years been trying to avoid? And even if rebellion or iconoclasm is not a particular artist’s thing, don’t all artists of merit at least attempt to resist the artistic ossification any long and notable career occasions? Don’t they at least endeavor to remain vital even if that’s a tall order? Isn’t being put into a museum in the way the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame puts artists into a museum anyway, the exact opposite of what an artist wants in their lifetime?

I’m gonna go listen to Todd Rundgren’s “Hermit of Mink Hollow” now. It’s an album I loved about 30 years before a bunch of dipshit friends of Jann Wenner’s decided that it was respectable to like it.

Have a great day, everyone. And hey, how’s about it?